Maybe I should stick to my day job, Hallmark rejected my favorite valentine quotes.

--This Valentine's Day, you deserve the finest chocolates. But not as much as your favorite chair deserves a break from slowly being crushed.

 

--I've been shot by Cupid. Well, it was either Cupid or insurgents.

 

--This Valentine's Day you deserve to be treated like a queen. But seriously, dinner's not going to cook itself.

 

--I love you just the way you are... but I wouldn't complain if you got enhancement surgery.

 

--I barely had time to get you this Valentine's Day card... because I was busy burying bodies in my backyard.

 

--When I look at you, you take away my breath... because I'm high on crystal meth.

 

--Since I met you, I'm as happy as can be... even though you gave me Hepatitis C.

 

--I have to say I love you more each year... but that's a lie... now go get me a beer!

 

--Your love has swooped me up like some kind of twister... which is why I got confused and dated your sister.

 

--If you think that hickey looks like a blister... check out the one I gave to your sister.

 

--I think I'm falling in love with you... or is that just the Ecstasy kicking in?

 

--If you don't make love to me... the terrorists have won.

 

--Through many trials and tribulations, our love has always weathered... I love you even more now that your skin has leathered.

 

--It's Valentine's Day and I'm feeling goofy... but I'll get over it once I slip you a roofie.

 

--I always said that you were a looker... and so much better than my last hooker.

 

--Happy Valentine's Day from across the miles... I'm cheating on you here, but let's keep the smiles!

 

--Roses are red, violets are blue... this is how I'm saying I'm divorcing you.

 

--Your eyes are as beautiful as the big blue sea... but I could do without your HIV.

 

--My love for you is on the rise... which is amazing considering your enormous thighs.

 

--What you read in this card isn't a typo... I'm BEGGING you to go get some lypo.