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Greg’s Top (Rejected) Valentine’s Day Card Greetings

Maybe I should stick to my day job, Hallmark rejected my favorite valentine quotes.

–This Valentine’s Day, you deserve the finest chocolates. But not as much as your favorite chair deserves a break from slowly being crushed.


–I’ve been shot by Cupid. Well, it was either Cupid or insurgents.


–This Valentine’s Day you deserve to be treated like a queen. But seriously, dinner’s not going to cook itself.


–I love you just the way you are… but I wouldn’t complain if you got enhancement surgery.


–I barely had time to get you this Valentine’s Day card… because I was busy burying bodies in my backyard.


–When I look at you, you take away my breath… because I’m high on crystal meth.


–Since I met you, I’m as happy as can be… even though you gave me Hepatitis C.


–I have to say I love you more each year… but that’s a lie… now go get me a beer!


–Your love has swooped me up like some kind of twister… which is why I got confused and dated your sister.


–If you think that hickey looks like a blister… check out the one I gave to your sister.


–I think I’m falling in love with you… or is that just the Ecstasy kicking in?


–If you don’t make love to me… the terrorists have won.


–Through many trials and tribulations, our love has always weathered… I love you even more now that your skin has leathered.


–It’s Valentine’s Day and I’m feeling goofy… but I’ll get over it once I slip you a roofie.


–I always said that you were a looker… and so much better than my last hooker.


–Happy Valentine’s Day from across the miles… I’m cheating on you here, but let’s keep the smiles!


–Roses are red, violets are blue… this is how I’m saying I’m divorcing you.


–Your eyes are as beautiful as the big blue sea… but I could do without your HIV.


–My love for you is on the rise… which is amazing considering your enormous thighs.


–What you read in this card isn’t a typo… I’m BEGGING you to go get some lypo.


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