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Golfing With My Awesome Friend Ken, And Some Guy Named Matt

golfing with MattMe and my buddy Ken (Kris Kringle) had a tee time at Columbia Point Golf Course on Sunday, so we invited Matt Helm along, mostly because he just sits around his house all day watching re-runs of ‘Saved By the Bell’ and tractor pull events.

First thing, Matt was late; we missed our first tee time all because he was sitting in his car listening to his, ‘Love Songs of the 90s’ cassette tape. Oh brother.

I knew it was going to be a long day; as we waited to tee off on the first hole, Matt told Ken and I a thrilling story about how he invented the dimpled golf ball, among other things.

Me and Ken hit pretty good shots off of the white tee blocks, and moved up to the reds for Matt. I will admit Matt drove the first green, a towering, booming shot that went straight as an arrow, and flew a total of 168 yards before landing softly on the green. Golf clap. For the next three hole Matt insisted we call him ‘Tiger.’ I thought Ken was going to drop him with a pitching wedge to the temple.

Speaking of wedges, Matt has three: pitching, sand, and foot, which he used every chance he got, mostly when he thought we weren’t looking. When it didn’t take four swings to actually hit the ball, Matt could drive it pretty far, and when I say drive it, I mean he would pick up his first shot with the golf cart and ‘drive it’ an extra sixty yards or so before dropping it. If anything, it was entertaining.

During the course of 18 holes, me and Ken learned that Matt was using golf clubs that he had built in his garage, the planet Venus was made of orange fudge, and John F. Kennedy was really shot by — his words — “Angry Broads” from the League of Women Voters.

We would like to thank Joe, Kevin, our drink cart girl (without the drink cart Matt may have had an ‘accident’ around the 13th hole)and the whole staff at Columbia Point for a great day of golf. Thanks to Ken for sticking with me, and to Matt… get help, really.

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