Tri-Cities Warning! We Have Vampire Bats, Stay Out!
Not only do we apparently have vampire bats in the Tri-Cities but also bed bugs, fire ants, and wolf spiders! At least that's the warning that has been issued to any outsiders thinking about moving to or vacationing in the Tri-Cities. Holly Bell, a Kennewick small business owner (H.A.R.D Photography) took to her Facebook recently to send a message to people from California and Oregon.
Some might argue that she was a little harsh in describing our beautiful area but others would argue that she was just doing her part to keep it beautiful and not overpopulated by outsiders, who want to ruin it. I must warn you however, there are a few naughty words in her post so if you are faint at heart you might not want to continue reading. But, if you are like me and find Holly HILARIOUS, please do go on...
CAUTION TO THOSE THINKING OF MOVING TO OR VISITING TRI CITIES:
In regards to all the people wanting to move here from Oregon and California as well as many other heavily populated cities across the country, and for those just wanting to come to visit:Before you come to Tri you must be aware and under stand whats actually going on here. There's a housing shortage, rent has tripled, and folks are vacationing here in record numbers...So, if you plan on moving here, or just plan on vacationing in our river bottoms, country side, horse heaven hills, or desert this summer..... I think you should know that wolf spiders, fire ants and bedbugs have infested hotels and motels across the area due to our strange weather this year.Speaking of weather...you even had snow, hail, rain, wind storms, and piercing sun all on the same day in May? No? Well buckle up buttercup!The river foilage area will eat you alive with ticks and chiggers.Our rivers are full of drunks in tubes peeing themselves while the ancient giant shark like fish lay in wait right under the surface.Tri has been rampant with cougars...and they have eaten many domesticated animals and possibly some small children.The local bear and coyote population are all 'in heat' and think your wife/girlfriend is hot.Snakes... don’t even get me started on the water headed copper moccasins here, and the Diamond Back Rattler Cobras.The poison ivy has overtaken all other vegetation.We have had bear sightings at every park and town and they are after your picnic baskets….and some cougars have been spotted in motel rooms and bars.Watch out for the jackalopes, they have been extremely aggressive this season.We have silverback gorillas invading our parks and it’s their mating season. Porcupines are "stabbing" small children should they dare to utilize the local playground equipment.Skunks have made their way over and multiplied at unprecedented rates and wander the local campgrounds in packs looking for beer.You don't even wanna hear about the beaver raping homeless population...yes really...a homeless guy raped an actual beaver at a local park....I'm not even kidding...how sad is that?Murder hornets!?! We’ve got great black clouds of murder hornets, and swarms of giant crickets and even some crazy giant grasshoppers.Scorpions have now migrated here and have been congregating in massive quantities under rocks, logs, wooden steps, automobiles, and tarantulas are now stealing peoples food and biting like crazy.I’m pretty sure all private tiger owners (we had a jump in them after Tiger King debuted on Netflix) have released their cats into the streets of our cities and towns.Head lice now fly and we have vampire bats.Oh, and no one is vaccinated.I hear Idaho and Louisiana are really nice though.So in other words...STOP FUCKING MOVING HERE!There really isn't shit to do anyway...the other side of the mountain is a WAYYYY better bet for you and your family...promise. You gonna be bored, your kid is gonna start smokin blues, and then all your savings is gonna have to go to rehab if you move here.
Hey..don't say I didn't warn you!