You can shop for three days for that perfect Valentine's  Day card -- you know, the one that everyone opens and stares at for a full minute pretending to read it?

They may give you the nod of approval or, while reading it, the hand-over-the-mouth move as if to say, "You nailed it Sweety."

Then after the proper time is spent pretending to read the card, you tell them how perfect it was.

Trust me, the only reason they stare at it that long is they can't believe you didn't put at least a scratch ticket inside.

Do I really need a card that the art work is so special I need plastic to cover the photo? It's a picture, not a Picasso.

I don't need a singing card, or a movie quote card, or a card with a half-naked woman holding up a box of chocolates asking me if I want a piece of her.

Give me the good old days: cheesy sayings from cartoon characters. Who could resist a Snoopy, Woodstock or any Disney-themed Valentine card? No sappy, air-brushed photos or some out-dated poem from some hopeless romantic poet.

There were no boxes of chocolates, just cookies.

There was "Be my Valentine," not "My heart beats to the rhythm of our love." Really!

Write 'I love you' on a post-it note and fill her up on wine and chicken fettuccine. Hey, look, it's almost Easter.

If you want to spend six dollars on a card that says everything you want to say to her, pocket the cash and tell her yourself.

This is a good card rule to follow as well: don't buy something that has more than one page; it's a card, not a novel. It's really just a diversion if you got her something crappy for Valentine's Day.

How many have you had to say, 'The card was nice, right?'

This is Cupid; have a happy Valentine's Day.