I'm tired, it's going to be a long day and it's raining outside. Let's tell some jokes. My favorite dumb joke: What kind of cheese can you not have? "Nacho Cheese"! Here are two dozen more:

What's orange and sounds like "parrot"?
A carrot.

A squirrel was sitting in a pine tree eating pine nuts when it begins to shake. It looks down and sees an elephant climbing up. "What are you doing?" the squirrel yells down. "Well, I'm coming up to eat some pears," says the elephant. "You idiot, this is a pine tree, there are no pears," says the squirrel.
"That's OK, I brought my own."

My grandfather has the heart of a lion... and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Why couldn't Ray Charles see his friends?
Cause he's married.

If you're ever cold just stand in a corner.
It's usually around 90 degrees there.

Two whales walk into a bar. The first one says, "EOOOOOOOHAHHHHHMMMMUUUUUUUUUUU... EEEEEEOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNHHHHHHHHHH." The second whale turns to the first one and says, "Frank, what the *BLEEP* is wrong with you?"

So this guy walks into a bar on a busy night. Everybody is noticing him, and it is all good attention. All the women are swooning over him. But there is one very noticeable thing about him that is odd... his head is an orange.
So the guy walks up to the bar and announces, "All drinks are on me tonight!" as he starts making it rain with $100 bills.
So the bartender gets the man's attention and asks him, "So what's your deal?" The man replies,
"Oh, well... I found one of those genie lamps on the beach the other day! He gave me three wishes."
"That's pretty neat," replied the bartender. "So what did you wish for?"
"Well, the first wish was endless $100 bills in my wallet"
The bartender replies, "I guess that explains the money. Good choice. What else did you wish for?"
"I then asked him to make me irresistible to women."
"Again, not a bad move. So how about that third wish?" said the bartender.
"Ah, the third wish... now here is where I think I may have gone wrong... I asked the genie to turn my head into an orange."

I want a job cleaning mirrors. it's just something I could really see myself doing.

Did you hear about the two guys that stole a calendar?
They each got six months.

There are two monkeys in a bath tub.
One says to another: "Ooohoohahah!"
The other says: "It's it's too hot just add a little more cold water."

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're really good at it.

A cop is sitting on the side of the highway when all of a sudden he sees a guy driving a truck full of penguins. Confused he pulls the truck over.
"What seems to be the problem officer?"
"Well you have a truck full of penguins, i'm just going to give you a warning but you need to take these penguins to the zoo immediately."
A few hours later, the truck passes again, still filled with penguins. So again the officer pulls the man over.
"I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!"
"I did, and they loved it. Now we're going to the movies!"

Whats the difference between a dirty bus stop, and a lobster with breast implants?
Ones a crusty bus station the other is a busty crustacean.

What is a pirate's favorite letter?
Audience: R?
You'd think that, but his first love will always be the C.
Smart guy: It's actually the P. Without it they're irate.

Two cats are swimming across a river. One's name is "One two three" and the other's name is "Un deux trois."
Who makes it across?
One two three, because Un deux trois cat sank

What's something that's red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.

Why aren't there any knock knock jokes about freedom?
Because freedom rings

What time does Sean Connery get to Wimbledon?

What happened to the cow that jumped over the barbed wire fence?
Udder destruction.

A dog goes walking into the forest,
Once in the middle he comes across a whale
He asks the whale "Hey, shouldn't you be in the ocean?"
To which the whale responds, "Yes".

"I went to a zoo the other day. It was completely empty, except for a single dog. It was a Shih Tzu."

What did the doctor say to the midget waiting in the lobby?
You're just going to have to be a little patient.

I'd make a joke about noble gases, but I know it wouldn't get a reaction.